10.20.09
Exercise causes fear.
OK, Here’s an epiphany I had just now. Context: I was standing outside looking at the darkening sky, trying to find motivation to exercise (shovelglove). Finally, I made myself start.
I got to thinking. Why the inertia? I haven’t exercised much since NY. Why do I get into these ruts?
At that same moment, I realized that I could feel the beginnings of an asthma attack brewing deep in my lungs. I pressed forward, continuing to exercise.
I have a deep fear of being unable to breathe. Drowning is a horrible way to think about dying for me. I’m particularly outraged over waterboarding. Breathing is essential.
For the first time, I put a connection between my asthma, and this deep-rooted fear of not being able to breathe.
If you extend this a step further, when I was a child I was taught to “take it easy” and “don’t overdo it” so as to avoid an asthma attack. Put another way: exercising, not taking easy, overdoing it, etc., CAUSE the condition of not being able to breathe.
Because I fear this condition, in my mind: exercise causes fear.
This is the mental construct I have been creating for about 36 years now. The voice behind the “don’t exercise” impulse is a very frightened, 7-year old version of myself terrified that he won’t be able to breathe.
How to undo this construct? I can’t use adult logic on a 7 year old mentality. Instead, I have to meet this 7 year old on his level. I have to give him love, reassurance, and repeatedly demonstrate that this fear has no power over him, that he was given bad information, and that this new information and practice can heal him.
Not a bad epiphany.
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