I got to thinking. Why the inertia? I haven’t exercised much since NY. Why do I get into these ruts?

At that same moment, I realized that I could feel the beginnings of an asthma attack brewing deep in my lungs. I pressed forward, continuing to exercise.

I have a deep fear of being unable to breathe. Drowning is a horrible way to think about dying for me. I’m particularly outraged over waterboarding. Breathing is essential.

For the first time, I put a connection between my asthma, and this deep-rooted fear of not being able to breathe.

If you extend this a step further, when I was a child I was taught to “take it easy” and “don’t overdo it” so as to avoid an asthma attack. Put another way: exercising, not taking easy, overdoing it, etc., CAUSE the condition of not being able to breathe.

Because I fear this condition, in my mind: exercise causes fear.

This is the mental construct I have been creating for about 36 years now. The voice behind the “don’t exercise” impulse is a very frightened, 7-year old version of myself terrified that he won’t be able to breathe.

How to undo this construct? I can’t use adult logic on a 7 year old mentality. Instead, I have to meet this 7 year old on his level. I have to give him love, reassurance, and repeatedly demonstrate that this fear has no power over him, that he was given bad information, and that this new information and practice can heal him.

Not a bad epiphany.

As an example, there was a few days ago a fatal car accident less than 100 yards from my home, less than 50 yards from the edge of my property. A teenage boy was killed, and several other people were seriously injured. Obviously, this type of event can seriously disrupt the energy flow of this space.

Adding to this, there has been a steady stream of mourners to the crash site, leaving offerings. I went there tonight, there are 4 or 5 large crosses, lots of photographs, several dozen burning candles, and various other mementos. Clearly, this kid was well-loved and will be missed by his community.

However, as a Druid, or more broadly as one who is sensitive to the energy flow of my environment, I felt a need to rebalance the energies of the space. The suddenness with which this young life was snuffed out is palpable, and I was having some difficulty with that energetic disruption.

Tonight, I went and smudged the intersection where the accident took place, and left an offering of burning sage at the site, with all the other offerings there. I also hearkened back to my days as a Wiccan, and cast a protective circle around the intersection. It felt like the right thing to do.

In the same way, we must be good stewards of our Selves. I must be aware of the energy flows within myself, of what energy patterns I am taking in, and what energy patterns I am spreading out into my environment.

This is related to the self-initiation in the previous post. I am feeling called to take on a year-and-a-day self-initiation. The specifics of this are still brewing, and will be for another week or so until the summer solistice. But the focus of my work this year will be on increasing my level of power.

Power is a scary term, but when viewed through a Starhawkian (is this a word? It is now…) lens, I am speaking purely of power-from-within. I have little interest in power-over, particularly over other sentient beings (being a parent notwithstanding).

The purpose of this self-initiation is to cultivate my own personal power-from-within. This will certainly manifest in mind, body, and spirit. Each day I want to do something to increase my own personal power. This much I know. The specifics of what this looks like will likely be fluid from day to day.

Awen is the reward of this sort of work. On that note, the crash the other day inspired an idea for a novel that I am very excited about. I’ve been keeping careful notes about this. I’ve been wanting to write more for a long time, and the prospect of writing a novel like this actually sounds fun, whereas writing the other nonfiction/philosophical book I have in my head sounds suspiciously like work just now. Time will tell….

But I don’t. Why not?

I’ve been thinking lately about imposing a training program on myself, for the traditional year-and-a-day, with a self-initiation at the end of it. The focus of this training would be doing what I need to do to more fully self-actualize, but of course it would be theoretically grounded in Druidry. Practice, not theory.

The summer solstice approaches, and it is a resonant time for such a practice. Begin the training with the full exuberance of the summer sun, while the “old” me slowly wanes, and a “new” me begins to wax in 6 months. Finally, when the sun returns to its place of maximum strength, I’d do my self-initiation then.

I do have a year-long Druidry training program by Emma Restall Orr, but I think I’d need something a bit deeper. Certainly my training would include a daily practice of centering/rooting, observing how my environment changes throughout the year, and daily practices that cultivate me living to my highest potential.

What would you do if you were going to undergo such a training or self-initiation? I’ve turned comments on for the site, so feel free to post your thoughts.

EDIT: Apologies, comments were still closed. Hopefully they are now open.